I wish my penis had an off switch
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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