I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
