Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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