I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
