Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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