carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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