OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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