I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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