I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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