i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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