does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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