return my video game
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
