11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
