Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
