My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I could fuck to npr.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
