Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
