Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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