I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
