Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
