If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
