i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
