Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
