I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
