i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
