I'm lost and stupid without you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
