drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
