nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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