So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
