You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
