why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize