You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
