anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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