just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
