Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
