If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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