Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
