she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
