The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
