Joe is yelling at the trees again.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
