Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
