i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
