Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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