Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Your mouth is God's brothel.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
3pm strippers are depressing
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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