So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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