Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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