Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
