I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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