Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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