as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
