Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
