Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i think my cat just said my name.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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