im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
