Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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