I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
