I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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