Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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