Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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