I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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