I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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