We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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