If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
