are you still at the devil's house?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize