Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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