Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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