Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize