I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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