I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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