What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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