I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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