I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
