when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
