I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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